I just finished a novel called Rules of the Wild by Francesca Marciano. It is set in Nairobi. I would describe it is heartbreaking, real, and brave. It begins with the following quote:
“I thought, if you’re really going to live in Africa, you have to be able to look at it and say, this is the way of love, down this road: look at it hard; this is where it’s going to lead you. I think you will know what I mean if I tell you love is worth nothing until it’s tested by its own defeat. I felt I was being asked to love without being afraid of the consequences. I realized that love, even if it ends in defeat, gives you a kind of honor; but without love, you have no honor at all.”
- Rian Malan
The author says, about the first time she landed in Kenya, “I felt so happy, as if I had been given a new life.”
I love the way the author describes her characters…
About one…”she has a blind determination which tells her to hold on….and never let go…The less you flounder, the less likely you are to drown. Just hold on.” But about herself, she says, “I didn’t learn that lesson. I drowned a long time ago, my lungs full of water.” Maybe because I am teaching English now, the graphic detail of her descriptions really appeal to me.
And the characters admission that she had failed to learn this particular lesson caused me to reflect: what are our own fatal flaws? It is often our strengths which are also our weaknesses, the double-edged swords…
One of the lines in the book reminded me of a favorite line in The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen.
Marciano says, “Only at passport control did I realize how long I had been broken. How much I wanted out, how much I needed to be healed.”
Franzen said, "She still had a still-working old self, a Version 3.2 or a Version 4.0...not until she was at the pier and a quite different Denise, a Version 5.0...did the extent of the correction she was undergoing reveal itself." - The Corrections
Marciano’s book reminded me a bit of Kuki Gallman’s book, especially in the way she falls in love with Kenya. She says, “Here you are constantly reminded of what it means to be free and alive…it becomes very difficult to settle for anything less than this.
Life will demand everything from us. This is exactly what sets us free. It is the passion and force that allow us to continue alive; there is no turning back through the doors of perception.
At the end of the book, a friend tells her that “you have been here all along for a different reason. It has nothing to do with people in your life, but with your ability to feel.”
This is also how I feel about my time here – I often have the feeling that there are lessons that I am learning that I can’t quite put my finger on, that they lurk just beneath the surface, even at the sub-conscious level. But the person I am today, 1 year after I left the U.S., feels much different than the one that left Seattle last year. None of us know what the future holds, but I am excited, and Marciano’s book helped me to reflect on the joys and sorrows of living overseas, living in Africa, witnessing other people’s pain and triumph, of slowly unraveling yourself, and finding your core.
Here in Namibia, I feel closer to God than I ever have before. I think it is because of the simpler way of life, and the high level of interconnectedness between people in my community. There is a high level of social capital. One of my aunts, who is also a spiritual teacher and an oblate, observed once that she believes the impoverished are often closer to God because they cannot shield and distract themselves with material goods. It is the raw reality of them, their lives, and, if they choose, God. I think she is right.
However, recently I experienced a “night terror,” which made me confront my own journey. I have heard authors discuss the “courage” necessary to confront your own strong emotions. I think of Jesus in the Gospel of Thomas, the Gnostic Gospels, “If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.” Mark Nepo put it this way, “The more we express, that is, bring out what is in, the more alive we are. The more we give voice to our pain in living, the less build-up we have between our soul and our way in the world.”
Sometimes when we are broken open, we are forced into being our most open, humble and vulnerable selves, which allows us to connect with others. This is a gift. Nepo continues, “all spiritual warriors have a broken heart – must have a broken heart – because it is only through the break that the wonder and mysteries of life can enter us.”
I am not 100% sure why God has revealed himself to me here, why I feel closer to him/her here. But I think it has something to do with my journey, with working through heartache, pain, and intense personal learning. It is a journey of healing, and to finding your true place of service and vocation in the world. It is not easy, but in the end is the most rewarding and fulfilling path there is. Here, I have found I want to teach, and I want to continue to pursue my studies. I have found the best of friends, the best of people. I am humbled and awed by the path God has led me down. And I can’t wait for what happens next.
“Life is too magnificent and difficult for us to give away our elemental place in the journey.”
- Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening
Another highlight of the recent trip to Zambia, where I joined 15 University of Washington students and their professor, was a visit to Mukuni Village and Goat Farm Cooperative. There HIV positive mothers obtain goat milk to keep their babies strong and healthy. I was very impressed by the strong cooperation and collaboration in the community, and by how open the community members were about being HIV positive. The community was also the most progressive that I have seen in terms of women’s empowerment and gender equality as related to women coming out as HIV positive, and their partners supporting then. When I visited Kenya in 2010, and today at my site in Namibia, it is often considered solely the woman’s fault if HIV is brought into a relationship (even if, in reality, it was her husband who contracted HIV first). The women at Mukuni claimed that their partners support them in “starting a new life” and of “living positively” (the concept of living openly, proudly, and unashamedly of being HIV positive, and of embracing a healthy lifestyle and taking ARVs so as to prolong life as long as possible). One woman said, “When you find out you are HIV positive, you receive counseling. This is when you begin a new life – one of living positively, of beginning a new lifestyle.” They admitted that when they came out with their status, they were called a lot of names, and that stigma is still a problem in Zambia. But, they said, “we did not fear.” Their strength and collective support of one another was readily apparent. They also said that by contributing to their community and working together, it “gives them courage, because they know that they are giving back.” I was impressed, heartened, and inspired to see this effective, collaborative and cooperative community group.
Zambia as a whole was beautiful! It is lush and green, and the people are lovely. The towns are vibrant and dynamic, with colorful, creative storefront signs. Compared to Zambia, it also has many more people (Zambia has12 million residents, whereas Namibia has 4 million). I feel fortunate to have visited Zambia, and greatly enjoyed working with the group of students, and learning about places such as Mukuni Village.
I have been meaning to post about my recent trip to Zambia. There was one point during the trip that was a definite “crash” (as in the movie) moment. Our group was visiting a community center in a rural Zambian village. The Director of the center, whom I will refer to as “E” was known, even before we arrived, to have a questionable approach to development, both in terms of power and reflexivity, and in terms of race relations.
This was proven true one day when a group of witnessed pure racism. It was as if we were slapped across the face with it. A group of us were taking a tour with E, when a young (black) Zambian came up to simply ask her a question. She responded with a barrage of insults and put-downs (with the air of a purely colonialist mindset), clearly making him feel tremendously small and embarrassing him painfully in front of us, a group of visitors. E’s actions were both damaging and appalling. They made all of us uncomfortable and angry. Yet at the time….none of us acted. For me personally, I was so shocked by her actions that I shut down. I literally stood there, pretending and hoping and wishing that I could be anywhere but there, that I didn’t have to witness this poor young man’s fundamental human rights and right to dignity being taken away.
Yet…let us not be so quick to judge her; for we all harbor darkness and light. It is our very own societies that have manufactured this inequality, hatred, and distrust amongst various groups of people. This does not mean her behavior was right. There are fundamental human rights that no one has the right to infringe upon, and the young man’s right to lead a dignified and respectable life were, on that day, under attack. But before we judge E and make her out to be the devil, I think we need to disassemble ourselves, our own roles in society, and the societies within which we operate. We need to try to have compassion for her and for ourselves.
In my own village, I do not wish to rationalize anything, but I have come to what I feel is a deeper understanding of the race relations at play. I think certain groups are simply afraid of others, and that they mask that fear with hatred, belittlement of others, and sheer racism. Rather than take the risk that is always inherent in compassion and being open (but that thereby almost always unleashes a torrent of respect, understanding, of meeting the compassion and openness equally), people turn to distrust and animosity. I also believe that this will change – what other choice do we have than to believe that? As I write this, the Trayvon Martin case is at the forefront in the U.S. A grave case of social injustice, and a stunning example of just how far the U.S. has to come in terms of healing and race relations. It is true the world over: there are many oceans to swim through, many deserts to cross, before we find an equilibrium of healing, trust, and an ability to move forward in a just manner.
Also this week, I wanted to share an update regarding the “shack dwellers” association at my site. As you can see in the photos below, the program has really progressed along nicely. (I posted photos a few months ago of the project while it was in process, and there were some glitches in construction along the way). It is exciting and encouraging to see these community members who have pooled together their time, energy and resources to advocate for their rights and to realize their right to safe and secure housing. I think the development is looking quite beautiful with the various colours of paints that the residents are choosing. There is a suburb of another town in Namibia, Okahandja, which is called “Smarties” because the colours of the houses mirror the pastel-coloured candies. I think that this cute little development will be another “mini-Smarties.” Just what our village needs: positive team spirit, morale, supporting one another, resilience, character, and smart and sustainable development.
Below are photos from my recent trip to Zambia. First, a quote to begin the journey…
In Livingstone, we visited Vic Falls:
And Mukuni Village, which includes a goat milk cooperative in which HIV+ mothers can obtain goat milk for their babies free of charge. Most of the moms are on anti-retrovirals, so their babies are HIV free, but the goat milk helps to keep the babies strong, and makes it easier on the mother as she can stop breast feeding at age 6 months.
Below you can see the goats, the program Co-Director and me, a traditional dance performance that the school kids performed for us, and an inspirational quote on the chalk board in a school at the center.
Next are photos from a traditional Zambian village dinner that we had at Professor Ashbaugh’s friend’s house. The meal was one of the best that I have ever had in my life! Below are some typical Zambian village shots:
Colorful shatenges brighten everything up in Zambia…
In Katete, we toured St. Francis hospital. This is a photo of one of the abandoned buildings there. The rest of the hospital was quite nice and modern.
Finally, I went on a game drive in Mfuwe. Below, you can see the giraffes, elephants and hippopotami.
Zambia is stunning and gorgeous, and I feel much healed and revitalized by this journey. I am inspired by the University of Washington students and by Professor Ashbaugh, and I am moved by the simple, yet intentional and harmonious way that I saw many of the Zambians living. You feel much more in tune with nature in such an earthy, peaceful setting.
